Insane Love
by Kat Lee formerly Pirate Turner
Summary: Pacey pays a visit to a loved one.


Title: "Insane Love"  
Author: Pirate Turner  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: Second season  
Summary: Pacey pays a visit to a loved one.  
Disclaimer: Dawson Leery, Andie McPhee, Jack McPhee, Joey Potter, Pacey Witter, and Dawson's Creek are all © & TM their respective owners. Everything else is © & TM the author, Pirate Turner. I make absolutely no profit whatsoever off of this story.

His wrinkled hands stuffed deeply into the pockets of his slightly baggy pants, and his head bowed as he walked through the aisles. He had walked this path so many times in the past that he could have walked it with none of his senses other than his memory to guide him and still ended up at his proper destination. His weary heart thundered fearfully in his chest as he made his way through the long hallways, ignoring all the other people that he passed. The only person he still cared about was waiting for him in the room he was headed to.

Finally, he reached his destination. He pushed through the door and forced his head to look up as he stepped into the room. Just as always, he froze the very instant his eyes were met with the fragile figure rocking back and forth in the rocking chair that set in the middle of the room. They said that she had not left that chair a single time since it had happened, and he had never doubted them for even a second.

"Pacey?" her quiet voice called out to him, piercing the stillness of the white room. "Pacey?" she called again. His mouth opened to answer her, but his words froze in his throat as he looked at her face. Wrinkles had long ago replaced the smooth, unblemished skin that he had once covered in kisses, but nonetheless, she would always be beautiful to him . . . even despite the intense sadness that covered her face, reminding him for the countless time of how much he had come to hate himself.

As he stared at her, frozen in the doorway, she called his name again. "Pacey?" Her voice was on the edge of panic, and he finally managed to force his feet to move again.

Despite their age, his legs carried him quickly to her side as he answered her, struggling desperately to keep the tears that welled in his eyes from his voice, "I'm here." He called her name as he repeated, "I'm here." Reaching her, he knelt before her and reached up to try to take her into his embrace.

She did not move, but the frigid stillness of her body which was only moved by her constant rocking kept him from being able to bring her into his arms without risking harm to her fragile, old bones. "Pacey?"

"I'm here!" he repeated again. His fingers softly caressed the soft, white hair that had been blonde when he had ran his fingers through her hair all those years ago when they had been young and in love.

Never even feeling his touch, she continued to rock continuously back and forth without ever stopping for even a second. "Pacey?"

"_I'm right here!_" he exclaimed, his heart tearing away at his insides. His eyes sought hers, and although they found them, he wished they had not. Her pale blue eyes were still there. However, they were faded and filled with tears, and Pacey knew that she saw nothing. They said she'd cried for him from the very moment it had first happened until her tear ducts had finally dried completely up. He knew they were right for he had visited her every day since the first day she had been enrolled here, and she had cried every day until he had finally come one day to find that she had finally stopped. Even then, he had been unable to get any reaction out of her.

"Pacey? Pacey? Pacey?" Her fearful voice constantly repeating his name with scarcely a breath in between the callings ricocheted around his head, feeling every bit like a bullet ripping at his skull though without the physical effects.

"_I'm right here in front of you_," he told her again, begging silently to anything that might listen to him to give her back to the world. No one knew what had been the final straw that had finished shattering her fragile grip on sanity, but she had not changed at all since the day that Jack had found her in the same position she was now. It was clear, however, that whatever it was, it was all Pacey's fault, and nothing could have filled him with more regret, sadness, anguish, or self-hatred than that.

His own tears finally began to fall in a flood that ran down his face. "I'm so sorry," he whimpered as he laid his head on her lap, unable to face her any longer. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

He continued to repeat the sentence over and over again until his entire body shook so badly that his words were no longer capable of being made out. He would have done anything to bring her back to him, but nothing would work for he had tried everything. Unknowing of everything around her and never hearing his voice, she continued to rock back and forth and call out his name. They stayed like that for hours until a gentle voice softly interrupted. "I'm sorry, Mister Witter," the soft voice of the young orderly spoke, "but it's time for her medication."

Pacey forced himself to look up but could not stop his tears from continuing to fall. He glanced at the young orderly with the needles and barely managed a nod. "Just give me a couple of minutes?" he requested softly.

"Please hurry, Sir. She really must eat and have her medication."

"I know," Pacey whispered though his voice was inaudible as the orderly stepped out of the room, closing the door behind him. Pacey had never known exactly what was in those shots, but he did know that it was the only thing keeping her breathing and the only way that any one could manage to make her eat.

He forced himself to his feet as he looked back at her. His trembling hands reached out to softly stroke the sides of her face and her soft hair one last time for the night. "I'd give anything if only you could hear me. I loved you when we were younger, and I've never stopped since nor will I. I could try to come up with some kind of long-winded speech like Dawson would give Joey, but the truth is there's no words in any language that could tell you just how _sorry_ I truly am. I'd give anything to go back to when I hurt you so much and redo that moment. I'd tell you that I love you and that I could never stop no matter how much you hurt me. I'd take you back in a heartbeat if only I could. I don't know if you'll ever come back to me, but until either that happens or I die, I'll continue praying that you will and keep waiting on you." He leaned over her and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead. "I'll always love you, Andie McPhee, _always_."

He forced himself to turn from her and begin to walk away. Even as he walked toward the door, he could still hear her calling for him. "Pacey? Pacey? Pacey? Pacey? Pacey? Pacey? Pacey?" He had managed to finally stop his tears, but it was all he could do to keep them from pouring down again as he opened the door and continued out into the hallway. The orderly said something to him, but he never heard the younger man's words as he walked away, knowing that he'd be back again as soon as the asylum's doors opened in the morning.

As the old man walked through the long hallways, the whole world around him was lost to him. He never heard the buzz of the other people around him talking or the occasional yell that broke out; instead, his footsteps seemed to echo to him as he walked. He never looked up as he walked the familiar path, his tired eyes closed tightly against the tears that filled them. He never saw the compassionate, knowing faces of the workers who watched him or the way the other senior citizens shook their heads when they saw him. Although he walked right pass the scene, he never saw the man dressed as Zorro slash out at the man in the Batman costume, carving a Z in the long, black cape even as orderlies rushed to separate the two.

He continued to walk, never pausing, as he stepped out into the cold night. The icy wind blasted at him with such force as to nearly knock him down, but he never noticed as he walked on to his car, his head still bent and his eyes still closed. Reaching his car, he finally moved as his fingers grasped his key inside his coat pocket, slid his key into the lock, and unlocked his door. He returned his key to his pocket and slid into his seat, pulling his door closed as soon as he was in.

Pacey's head leaned against his steering wheel as he finally allowed his tears to resume. He'd heard of the insane things that people did because of love throughout all his life, but he had never before heard of any one besides Andie going insane because of shattered love. He spent every moment with her that he could, and yet each moment with her caused him to hate himself more. He should be the one lost to the world. It would not have been a true loss if he was, but instead it was his beloved Andie that had become what his younger self would have referred to as a vegetable. He would gladly have done anything to stop her from becoming what she had become and would still gladly do or give anything to bring her back to him or even just to the world, but he was powerless to do anything to help the one person he had ever truly loved. Pacey doubled over his steering wheel as his heart-broken sobs echoed through his small car long into the night.

**The End**


End file.
